December hit with its usual mad rush of all things Christmas. I wasn't prepared (as usual) and my temper flared (as usual). As I was sitting next to my friend today at church - I leaned over and asked if she had any guilty feelings - guilty for not having holiday decor already up...guilty for not starting the advent calendars on December 1st (I'm already 5 days behind!!)...guilty for not having the cute "service straw" to place under the baby Jesus...guilty for not having a month SOLID of Christmas traditions...guilty...guilty...guilty. UGH. The guilt starts to wear a hole which then turns to annoyance and frustration and yes...some slight anger. I absolutely abhor feeling guilty, yet I couldn't shake the feeling that was surrounding me and starting to suffocate me. I felt entitled to my anger/annoyance 'cause I had been burning the midnight oil - working late every night (and even slipping in a few work hours during dedicated family time - which earned me some tongue lashings from my spouse).
This isn't how Christmas is supposed to be. Where is the joy in giving and serving, and the spirit of Christmas? How on earth had I let this creep in - this is so not like me!? Why was I listening to Matt's argument that since neither one of us enjoy decorating - we should just tell the kids there would be no Christmas tree this year and that they could find their gifts under a branch we bring in on Christmas morning??
Enter First Presidency devotional (while decorating the Christmas tree and occasionally yelling at children to be quiet) and the first talk started off with the story of the Grinch. I'm not going to walk you through the dawning realization or "aha" moment...but yes - I got it, and yes - I'm much better, and no-all the dumb extra stuff doesn't matter...and yes I'm giving myself points for already having done the gingerbread house and Polar Express and it's only the 5th of December...and yes sometimes the crazy-obsessive OCD comes out and I have to shove it back into the closet.
Merry Christmas. (I probably should have pressed delete - but instead I'm pressing "publish")
3 comments:
I also enjoyed hearing Elder Uchtdorf's message. I'm so tired of feeling obligated to do all this STUFF for Christmas that doesn't seem necessary. It made me feel not so bad about having this huge undecorated tree in our front room. At least we went and got one!
I'm so glad you hit publish instead of delete! You described me, to-the-tee, each and every year. Something happened this year, though. I threw up my hands and said "who cares if the traditions don't happen," then removed the pressure completely. There are no expectations this year, fer reals.
You know what happened? I'm still getting the traditions to happen, but without the stress. It's magic. I'm sure some prayers and whatnot had something to do with it too...
And here's the other kicker: I usually get stressed about the Christmas card. I tell you this, 'cause I'm sure you understand where I'm coming from. So this year, I told the Spouse "no Christmas card this year, we're out of money," and the pressure was off. He was kind of sad, and asked how much it would take. Next day, we receive the escrow check, and it's the exact amount of money we need to do the cards.
Pressure's on again. But kind of in a different way.
This is the same every year, I always feel better during the first FULL week of December...it's the start that gets me in a funk.
Rabid - funny you should mention Christmas cards...that's a whole other post in and of itself - funny also because you inspired ours this year...and well to put it nicely yours (from a few years ago) was much cooler and better...I think ours are kinda lame, but I'm sending them out anyway - just to prove that I'm ok with sending out a lame Christmas card every now and then - its good for morale eh? :)
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